Composed mostly of subconscious absent-minded late-night backlashes, this blog is pretty much an experiment for me. This isn't really an insight to my life but rather a cry of help. See what I did there? It's not a cry for help. It's a cry of help. I'm totally against this whole thing of the internet being someone's "virtual diary". But then again, what am I doing here right? I'll try to expand upon the various things that bother me in my life (how society, family, relationships etc. are ran) and hopefully find some common ground with whoever might stumble upon this blog one day. If anybody.
I guess the only important thing to know is that I'm 18 and I'm a senior in high school who's slowly but surely realizing I'm not really up to par with my fellow classmates or performing up to my parents expectations. Now, granted, my parents are first-gen immigrants from Poland which make me a first gen Poland-born immigrant as well. So the expectations are already sky-high. Going to college, getting a good job, living that American dream. Some people cringe at the idea of the American Dream because it has been overly analyzed as the sole thing that gets illegal immigrant to come into the united states. I'm not illegal, no worries. But the idea of the American Dream has somehow become bloated. A sort of up in the sky idea whose value has diminished over the years. At least my generation sees it that way. My girlfriend recently gave me the business about that exact idea. I told her, as we were neck deep in the "oh what are we going to do after high school?" talk, that I really DO want a well paying job, a good education, and that one day i'll have a family and be able to be a good father and a good husband. Her immediate reply was a scolding "Oh, so you want the American dream?". People, what is wrong with this idea? Did I go wrong? Did I offend anyone by saying that I want a good job and a house and a car and a wife and kids? I'm pretty sure that most of the males in my generation tend to think the same, just without the American Dream label. So why would she mention that? Has the American Dream become too weak and too petty? Is there something OTHER than the American Dream to actually pursue?
Answer is, there isn't.
This kind of veers into the next portion of my train of thought. What actually IS there to pursue other than college? Once you're done with high school, then what? College, right? Is there any other option? Some adults out there might say "oh yeah there's trade school, go straight for a job" but like... Is there really anything else? Has our society devolved into an overly simplistic future, making every child college bound since kindergarten? How fucked up is that? Engraving that sort of fake confidence in every child, making it think that college is just another step in the future while every other option in life after high school is suppressed. My girlfriend and I were walking in Chicago one day in the summer and we were overhearing a conversation that was happening between a couple with their newborn child and (what I assumed to be) a family friend. They were chit-chatting about schooling and the family friend asked the infant "Where are you going to go to college?". Granted, I didn't hear the whole conversation. But why the hell would you even look THAT far into the future for an infant child who cares about nothing more than getting fed and the comfort of its mothers and fathers care? My girlfriend and I looked at each other in complete disbelief.
It's like we're taught to live forever in the future. There will always be something good in the future while never really taking the present into account and then when we're old enough to realize how much of our time we spent worrying about the future, we regret never taking a step back, look at our lives, and just live for the now. Sure, this is starting to sound like something from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" but it's incredibly relevant as to how we ought to live. Life does move too fast. When you have too much going on, you feel like you're missing out on too much. When you have nothing going on, you feel like you're missing out as well. I don't know if there exists a happy medium between the two. Maybe that's the beauty of finally figuring out life, is that balance between what we have to do and what actually makes us happy.
I've been working as a cashier at a Polish Deli for over a year and I completely regret ever having the concept of money introduced to me. Paycheck after paycheck, I've become a slave to the corporation, the dollar sign is my pimp, and i'm it's overused bitch. Money never should have been invented, ever. I need the money to do cool stuff, to go places to save up for... for what? Wait do I really need it? I face this exact same question every day and I can't ever come up with an answer. Do I really need all of that material shit to feel sane? To feel like i'm a part of something greater when I buy that new whatever? Why is it that I can't relinquish myself from society, loosen its noose that's tightening around my neck, kick away the stand that is slowly slipping away, and pull a Chris McCandless. I'd love to just venture out into the wild and live as a hobo, potentially, and I'd love to just meet people, live off of their kindness, help them with whatever job they might have me do for no pay and just be in their company for as long as they need me. I'd love to go coast to coast. See things and experience things wildly, like the human was intended to live.
Part of me really believes that the human wasn't meant to be domesticated at all. We were wild and savage. Not dormant and working a dead end job and look at the ever faded future for who knows how long before we realize how much of the present we've actually missed.
I dunno. This is just a try. More posts soon to come, I guess.
